Weekly reflection - Sitting with the unknown

This week the emerging theme in the therapy room has been "the unknown" sitting in it, with it, and resisting it.

As human beings, we crave certainty. The brain is wired to seek patterns, predictions, and safety. Yet life repeatedly confronts us with moments of ambiguity—waiting for a medical diagnosis, navigating relationship shifts, or standing at the edge of a major life decision. These in-between spaces, where clarity has not yet arrived, can feel deeply uncomfortable.

As a psychotherapist, I often see clients struggling not with what is known, but with what remains unknown. This discomfort isn’t weakness or lack of resilience—it is a universal part of being human.

Why the Unknown Feels So Hard - A theoretical viewpoint

Psychological theory offers insight into why uncertainty feels threatening:

• Attachment Theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth): From infancy, our nervous system learns to equate consistency with safety. When caregivers are reliably present, we develop secure attachment. But uncertainty in relationships—mixed signals, unclear commitments—activates old attachment anxieties. Not knowing feels like danger because our early wiring equated unpredictability with potential loss.

• Existential Therapy (Yalom, May):The unknown touches on what existentialists call the “givens of existence”: mortality, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. Uncertainty awakens these ultimate concerns. We don’t know what will happen, and deeper still, we are reminded we never fully control life’s trajectory. The discomfort is not just situational—it brushes up against the human condition itself.

• Cognitive-Behavioral Theory (Beck, Dugas & Ladouceur on Intolerance of Uncertainty):CBT research highlights how some individuals have a lower tolerance for ambiguity. This “intolerance of uncertainty” (IU) predicts worry and generalised anxiety disorder. The mind attempts to reduce not-knowing by rehearsing scenarios, catastrophising, or seeking reassurance. Ironically, these mental strategies intensify distress rather than reduce it.

• Psychodynamic Perspectives (Winnicott, Bion):Donald Winnicott’s concept of the transitional space and Wilfred Bion’s idea of “negative capability” suggest that growth requires dwelling in uncertainty.

Moving Toward Acceptance

The goal is not to eliminate uncertainty—that would be impossible—but to learn how to coexist with it. Some therapeutic approaches that help include:

• Mindfulness: Noticing the discomfort of “not knowing” without judgment allows us to stay present rather than spiral into imagined futures.

• Self-Compassion: Offering kindness to ourselves in moments of uncertainty softens the instinct to criticise or pressure ourselves for not having all the answers.

• Tolerance-Building: Gently increasing our exposure to uncertainty (through small, everyday experiments) can expand our window of tolerance. For example, resisting the urge to check an email immediately or allowing plans to remain unfinalised.

Acceptance

The question is not: How do we eliminate the unknown? but: How do we live alongside it?

The Paradox of Growth

The irony is that the unknown—though deeply unsettling—is also the birthplace of transformation.

• Creativity emerges from blank space, not from pre-determined outcomes.

• Healing requires openness to new ways of relating, not certainty of results.

• Developmental theory reminds us that every transition (adolescence, midlife, aging) involves a liminal stage—a crossing in which the old no longer fits and the new has not yet arrived.

Winnicott described this as the “fertile void”: the creative potential that exists when certainty has fallen away. What feels like disorientation is often the soil of growth and holds huge potential for growth

A Closing Reflection

If you find yourself struggling with uncertainty, you are not failing. You are touching one of the deepest truths of being human. Therapy does not promise certainty—it offers companionship, reflection, and tools for learning to live in the mystery without being consumed by it.

As Bion suggested, the capacity to “tolerate not knowing” is itself a form of maturity. The task is not to eradicate the unknown but to lean into it with courage, compassion, and curiosity—trusting that from the discomfort of not knowing, new ways of being can emerge.