Motherhood, Shame, and the Silent Crisis No One Talks About - so let's talk about it

Motherhood, a joyful time, a time for celebration is also for many new mothers a time of extreme emotional and hormonal changes, loneliness and isolation. Some new mothers with supportive partners, families and friends, still feel desperately alone. They carry the baby and the weight of anxiety and post-traumatic stress symptoms that emerged after giving birth. This is normal.

Invisible Earthquake of Matrescence

What many mothers go through was in 2024 given a name - matrescence — the profound, and often chaotic, physical and psychological transition into motherhood. As described in Lucy Jones’s 2024 book Matrescence, it is “likely the most drastic endocrine event in human life.” But most women, are never taught just how seismic this shift truly is, instead are subject to a whole host of societal expectations about coping, getting their pre baby bodies back, going back to work and much more.

Hormonal changes during pregnancy are staggering — estrogen levels can spike 1,000-fold, testosterone sixfold, progesterone 15 times the normal rate. And after birth, the placenta’s removal causes a hormonal crash that mimics withdrawal. No wonder so many mothers feel like they’re losing themselves.

New neuroscience adds another layer: a 2024 study found dramatic structural changes in the maternal brain, with nearly every region showing decreased grey matter and cortical thickness — changes thought to prepare the brain for motherhood. And yet, many women are made to feel that their emotional turmoil is a flaw, rather than a biological response.

Alone in a Crowd: The Epidemic of Maternal Loneliness

Despite centuries of human reliance on childbirth, modern Western societies have all but erased the communal support that traditionally surrounded new mothers. Cultures around the world celebrate and care for new mothers during the “fourth trimester” — 40 days of rest, nourishment, and support. In the UK, a mother is often sent home within hours of birth and expected to "bounce back" to normal.

The statistics are alarming:

• 38% of new mothers spend eight or more hours alone every day.

• Nearly half say they feel lonely “often” or “always” (Red Cross, 2018).

What happens when a society ignores these transitions? Women are left to question their competence, their worth, even their sanity — in silence.

The Weight of Shame

Shame thrives in silence. Brené Brown defines it as the belief that we are unworthy of love and belonging. And motherhood, paradoxically, is riddled with it.

Mothers feel shame for working, for staying home, for bottle-feeding, for breastfeeding in public, for enjoying time away from their child — the list is endless. The dissonance between the ideal mother and a woman’s real self can be devastating. Psychologist Carl Rogers saw this gap as the root of psychological distress.

Becoming a mother can also trigger feelings and emotions from our own childhood experiences with our own caregivers resulting in childhood feelings resurfacing. Shame, it seems, has deep roots and long shadows.

Social Media: Connection or Contagion?

Today’s mothers are more digitally connected than ever — but ironically, more isolated too.

Social media offers a highlight reel of motherhood, often with perfectionism disguised as authenticity: “No filters here — just my messy life!” Yet even these curated “messy” moments can intensify comparison and guilt.

This culture of “sharenting” has led to battles over motherhood ideologies. Breast vs. bottle, sleep training vs. co-sleeping, work vs. stay-at-home. The subtext is often the same: you’re doing it wrong.

As psychologist Mary Kane notes, “Contempt is a defence against shame.” In other words, much of the judgment we see between mothers is really fear — fear of not measuring up.

The Stakes Are High — for Mothers and Children

Untreated maternal mental health issues don’t just affect mothers. They can impact a child’s emotional, cognitive, and behavioral development. Studies have linked maternal depression to difficulties with bonding, temperament, and long-term mental health.

In short, supporting mothers is not just compassionate — it’s essential for the next generation.

Finding Healing in Connection

Therapy with an attuned, empathic therapist can affirm, validate and normalise the messy complicated, beautiful experience of motherhood allowing mothers the space to begin accepting themselves.

But not every mother can access therapy. That’s why group-based support is so powerful and something we are working on here in Lincolnshire.

We need more of these spaces. We need better research, more education for healthcare providers, and a cultural shift that honours, rather than ignores, the monumental changes women go through.

Motherhood is Not a Solo Journey

Let’s stop telling mothers to tough it out. Let’s stop treating the emotional turbulence of childbirth as a sign of weakness. Let’s start listening, supporting, and validating. Because when we care for mothers, we care for everyone.