Motherhood, Shame, and the Silent Crisis No One Talks About - so let's talk about it

Motherhood: Navigating the Transformative Journey

Motherhood is a joyful time, filled with celebration. However, for many new mothers, it can also be a period of extreme emotional and hormonal changes. Feelings of loneliness and isolation can seep in, even among those with supportive partners, family, and friends. The experience of carrying a baby can weigh heavily, accompanied by anxiety and post-traumatic stress symptoms that may arise after giving birth. This overwhelming feeling is more common than many realize.

Understanding Matrescence

One of the most important concepts to understand is matrescence — a term coined in 2024 to describe the profound and often chaotic physical and psychological transition into motherhood. Lucy Jones explores this idea in her 2024 book Matrescence. She describes it as "likely the most drastic endocrine event in human life." Despite this, many women are not informed about the seismic shifts they will experience. Instead, they feel pressured by societal expectations to cope, regain their pre-baby bodies, return to work, and more.

The hormonal changes during pregnancy are staggering. Estrogen levels can spike 1,000-fold, testosterone sixfold, and progesterone can increase 15 times the normal rate. After childbirth, the sudden removal of the placenta causes a hormonal crash that mimics withdrawal. It's no wonder many mothers feel as if they are losing their sense of self.

Recent neuroscience adds another layer to this understanding. A 2024 study revealed dramatic structural changes in the maternal brain, with nearly every brain region showing decreases in grey matter and cortical thickness. These changes are thought to prepare the brain for the demands of motherhood. Yet, many women feel pressured to conceal their emotional turmoil, which is a natural and biological response.

The Crisis of Maternal Loneliness

Despite the long history of childbirth, modern Western societies have significantly diminished communal support for new mothers. Many cultures worldwide celebrate and care for new mothers during the “fourth trimester” — a sacred period of 40 days focused on rest, nourishment, and support. In contrast, mothers in the UK are often sent home within hours of giving birth, expected to "bounce back" to normal life.

The statistics paint a troubling picture:

• 38% of new mothers spend eight or more hours alone every day.

• Nearly half report feeling lonely “often” or “always” (Red Cross, 2018).

  
  

When society ignores these significant transitions in a woman's life, it leads to self-doubt. Mothers may question their competence, worth, and even their sanity — all in silence.

The Weight of Guilt and Shame

Shame thrives in silence. Brené Brown defines it as the belief that we are unworthy of love and belonging. Paradoxically, motherhood is often riddled with shame. Mothers may feel guilty for working or staying home. They might face judgment for choosing bottle-feeding or breastfeeding in public. The desire for time away from their child can also evoke guilt. This incongruity between the ideal mother and a woman's real self can be devastating.

Becoming a mother can evoke unresolved feelings from childhood. Experiences with caregivers may resurface, exacerbating feelings of shame. Unfortunately, this emotion often has deep roots and long-lasting effects.

The Role of Social Media: Connection or Contagion?

Today’s mothers have unprecedented digital connectivity, yet they often report feeling more isolated. Social media platforms present a highlight reel of motherhood, often masking perfectionism as authenticity. Phrases like, “No filters here — just my messy life!” can exacerbate feelings of comparison and guilt.

The culture of “sharenting” has ignited heated discussions over motherhood ideologies. Choices like breast vs. bottle, sleep training vs. co-sleeping, and work vs. stay-at-home parenting foster a rivalry. The underlying message is clear: “You’re doing it wrong.”

As psychologist Mary Kane observes, “Contempt is a defense against shame.” Much of the judgment among mothers stems from fear—fear of not measuring up to societal standards.

The Importance of Maternal Well-Being

Untreated maternal mental health issues are far-reaching. They do not only affect mothers but can also impact a child’s emotional, cognitive, and behavioral development. Research has linked maternal depression to difficulties with bonding and long-term mental health.

In essence, supporting mothers is not just compassionate — it’s essential for the next generation.

Healing Through Connection

Therapy is one avenue for support. An understanding, empathetic therapist can affirm, validate, and normalize the messy, complicated, beautiful experience of motherhood. This can provide mothers with the space needed to accept themselves.

However, not all mothers can access therapy. That’s where group-based support comes into play. Here in Lincolnshire, we are working to create more of these safe spaces. We need better research, enhanced education for healthcare providers, and a cultural shift that acknowledges the monumental changes women experience during motherhood.

Motherhood is a Collective Experience

Let’s move away from telling mothers to tough it out. We need to stop treating emotional turbulence as a sign of weakness. Instead, let's focus on listening, supporting, and validating new mothers. When we care for mothers, we care for everyone involved in the family unit.