Reflections from the therapy room - Who am I?

Discovering Who You Are in Therapy: Meeting Yourself Beyond What You Were Told and Believe

One of the most powerful — and sometimes unsettling parts of therapy is when someone begins to question:

“If I’m not all the things people have told me I am… then who am I?”

It’s a question that often surfaces once we’ve moved past the immediate reasons for coming to therapy — the anxiety, the exhaustion, the grief, the confusion. When the layers begin to soften, something deeper starts to stir, and it’s a beautiful moment, even if it feels a little scary.

The stories we grow up with

From the time we’re small, we’re surrounded by messages about who we’re supposed to be. I often think about the fairy tales I grew up with that suggested all princesses needed to be rescued by a prince and the very defined gender roles in narratives that existed in stories from my childhood.

Some stories however, come from the people we grow up with, some are spoken out loud, others we just pick up.“Be good.” “Be strong.” “Don’t make a fuss.” “Keep everyone happy.”

Over time, those messages become the rules we live by — what Carl Rogers a person-centred psychotherapist called conditions of worth. They’re the quiet contracts that say, “I’ll be loved if I’m this way” or “I’ll be accepted when I achieve that.”

We start shaping ourselves to fit those conditions. Maybe we hide our anger, our sadness, or our softness. Maybe we learn to perform strength, to be endlessly kind, to achieve at all costs — even when it hurts, and sometimes, eventually, we can forget where they end and we begin.

The borrowed voices

In therapy, I often see how these old patterns live on, the voices we’ve swallowed whole. They might sound like our parents, teachers, friends, or society, echoing inside our own minds: “You should be able to handle this.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You need to keep everyone happy.”

When we start to listen closely, it becomes clear that not all of those voices are truly ours. Some were borrowed long ago, and we’ve been carrying them ever since.

The unpicking process

In therapy, as and when this arises, slowly and gently, with curiosity and kindness, we can challenge these ideas

We start to notice what belongs to us, and what does not. We ask questions like:

• Who taught me to believe this about myself?

• What happens if I let that belief go?

• What part of me have I been keeping quiet all these years?

  
  

This process can be emotional, and often there’s grief — for the parts of ourselves we had to hide in order to be loved and for who we truly are. "If I am not all of these things I have been led to believe I am, then who am I?". But there’s also relief, and even joy, in realising we no longer have to live by someone else’s definitions and rules.

The excitement of self-discovery

I find the bravery of my clients so inspiring and, once the fog starts to clear, people often describe a sense of feeling alive as if they’re meeting themselves for the very first time.

Understanding who you truly are isn’t just healing it is the beginning of genuine growth and self-discovery.

When the “shoulds” and “musts” begin to quiet down, space opens up and you can start noticing what you actually want. What feels good. What feels like you.

It might be a forgotten hobby, a boundary that suddenly feels okay to set, or a part of your personality you have tucked away for years. It is a gradual process, one which I feel honoured and privileged to sit alongside.

So… who am I?

That question — “Who am I?” — rarely has one simple answer, in fact, I think it’s less about finding a fixed definition and more about getting curious, it is being on an evolving journey with ups and downs, twists and turns, open doors and sometimes dead ends. You get to write your own definition of who you are, over and over again.

When we stop living according to the expectations of others, what’s left isn’t emptiness — it’s possibility.

In the end

Therapy isn’t about becoming someone new, sometimes it is about coming home to yourself to the parts that have always been there, waiting for your attention, your kindness, your acceptance.

It can be tender, sometimes messy, painful and challenging but also rewarding and liberating.

Once you begin to understand who you truly are, life starts to feel a little more spacious, a little more yours — and whilst that means something different for everyone, it is an exciting, precious and rewarding journey.

“If you’re looking for counselling in Lincolnshire, I offer in-person and online sessions — contact me here.”

#PersonCentredTherapy #ConditionsOfWorth #Introjection #AuthenticSelf #SelfDiscovery #TherapyJourney #Growth