The Importance of Giving Yourself Permission

This week, I have been reflecting on the act of giving ourselves permission. I even discovered that some of my peers actually write themselves permission slips as a reminder to lean into the things that we often forget to do for ourselves. What does "giving yourself permission" actually mean? A common theme I hear in the therapy room is not so much about what someone can’t do — but what they don’t feel allowed to do. Permission is a quiet thing; it is rarely spoken out loud. Yet, many people live as though they need approval or permission before they can rest, pause, or choose themselves.

This time of year, it is important to reflect even more on how much permission we give ourselves to rest. We don’t need to get everything perfect for Christmas or please everyone.

In a therapeutic context, giving yourself permission is often less about motivation and more about unlearning — unlearning the belief that your needs are optional or that rest must be earned.

Why Permission Feels So Hard

For many of us, permission wasn’t modelled early in life. We learned to be capable, helpful, strong, and accommodating, which can create a mindset of "people pleasing." We learned over time to prioritise others, to keep going, and to “push through.” Somewhere along the way, self-permission became tangled with guilt.

From an attachment perspective, when care or approval was conditional, we internalise the idea that our worth is linked to what we give, achieve, or tolerate. Saying no can feel like rejection. Rest can feel like failure. Pausing can feel unsafe. So when I talk about permission in therapy, I’m often discussing something deeply relational: the way we learned to relate to ourselves.

Permission to Rest

Rest is not a reward for productivity. It is a biological and emotional need. Many people feel they must justify rest — that they haven’t done enough yet to deserve it. But nervous systems don’t respond to logic; they respond to safety. Rest is one of the ways we signal to ourselves that we are safe enough to stop.

Giving yourself permission to rest may look like:

• Stopping before exhaustion forces you to

• Resting without explaining or apologising

• Letting rest be unproductive

• Trusting that nothing will collapse if you slow down

  
  

Rest is not something you take from life; it’s something you give back to yourself.

Permission to Reflect

We live in a culture that values movement over meaning. Reflection can feel indulgent or unnecessary — especially when life feels busy or overwhelming. Yet therapy teaches us that reflection is how experiences become integrated rather than carried forward unprocessed.

Permission to reflect means allowing yourself time to ask:

• How am I really doing?

• What is this bringing up for me?

• What do I need right now?

  
  

Reflection isn’t rumination. It’s a gentle turning toward yourself with curiosity instead of judgement.

Permission to Say No

Saying no can feel confrontational, selfish, or unkind — particularly for those who learned that love came from compliance. But boundaries are not walls. They are points of clarity, and they work to strengthen our relationships with ourselves and others.

When you give yourself permission to say no, you’re not rejecting others — you’re respecting your own limits. Limits are not a flaw; they are part of being human. Permission to say no might sound like:

• “I don’t have the capacity for that right now.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I’m choosing something different.”

• "I can't make it; I hope that you all have a great time."

  
  

Often, the discomfort of saying no is less harmful than the resentment of saying yes when we mean no.

Permission to Change Your Mind

Therapy normalises that people grow. What fit once may no longer fit now. Yet many people feel trapped by past versions of themselves. You are allowed to:

• Want different things

• Let go of identities that no longer feel true

• Change direction

• Outgrow expectations — including your own

  
  

Permission to change your mind is permission to evolve.

Permission to Feel What You Feel

One of the most powerful permissions we explore in therapy is emotional permission. You don’t have to justify your feelings. You don’t have to minimise them, and you don't have to be “grateful enough” to feel okay. Feelings are not moral statements; they are information.

Giving yourself permission to feel means allowing emotions to exist without immediately trying to fix, suppress, or rationalise them away.

Permission Is a Practice

Giving yourself permission is not a one-time decision. It’s a practice — one that often needs to be repeated, especially when old beliefs resurface. Sometimes, therapy itself becomes a place where permission is slowly internalised. It is where someone learns, over time, to offer themselves the same compassion and understanding they’ve extended to others for years.

If you’re struggling to give yourself permission, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It may simply mean you never had it given to you before. Learning now — gently, imperfectly — is more than enough.

What do you need to give yourself permission to do, be, or have?

---wix---