Reflections from the therapy room - The relationship structure isn't always the story

Consensual Non-Monogamy: More Common Than We Think?

I was sat catching up with a group of friends recently over food, and as often happens when therapists are involved, the conversation took an interesting turn.

Around the table were women in different stages of life and relationships. Some were married. Some were single. Some had been with their partners for years. Others were navigating the world of dating and we found ourselves talking about relationships, dating and then consensual non-monogamy.

What struck me was how differently everyone viewed it.

One friend couldn't imagine being in anything other than a monogamous relationship. For her, exclusivity felt deeply connected to intimacy and security and she believed that it would be having "an Affair" even though there was consent.

Another wondered whether society has conditioned us to believe monogamy is the only successful relationship model, we talked about early humans in caves, lion and lioness pride packs and more. One of the girls felt curious but unsure how it would work in practice, and we were reminded of a friend that was invited to join a cuckold. Another said she could understand it in theory but wasn't convinced it would be right for her.

As I listened, I found myself thinking less about consensual non-monogamy itself and more about the assumptions we all carry about relationships. Does any single relationship structure guarantee happiness, fulfilment or longevity?

What Is Consensual Non-Monogamy?

Consensual non-monogamy (sometimes referred to as CNM or ethical non-monogamy) is an umbrella term describing relationships in which everyone involved has knowledge of and consents to romantic, emotional or sexual connections outside of the primary relationship. It differs from infidelity because openness, honesty and consent are central to the arrangement.

It can take many forms, including open relationships, polyamory and swinging, among others. What matters is not the specific structure but the agreement between those involved.

Research suggests that relationship satisfaction, commitment and well being are not necessarily lower in consensually non-monogamous relationships than in monogamous ones. However, people in these relationships can experience misunderstanding, judgement and stigma because monogamy remains the cultural norm.

The Questions Beneath the Question

As a therapist, I'm often less interested in the relationship label and more interested in the questions underneath.

How do people communicate their needs?

How do they navigate trust?

Can difficult conversations be had openly?

How is jealousy understood and managed?

Do both partners genuinely consent to the arrangement, or is one person feeling pressured to agree?

What happens when expectations differ?

These are questions that matter in monogamous relationships too.

In many ways, the challenges people bring to therapy are surprisingly universal.

Whether someone is in a monogamous marriage, exploring polyamory, dating casually, or questioning what they want from relationships altogether, the themes are often similar:

• communication

• boundaries

• trust

• attachment

• intimacy

• identity

• vulnerability

The relationship structure may differ. The human experience often doesn't.

Therapy Without Assumptions

Historically, some people in consensually non-monogamous relationships have felt misunderstood by professionals, including therapists. Research has highlighted the importance of therapists approaching relationship diversity without automatically viewing non-monogamy as a problem that needs to be explained or fixed.

Good therapy isn't about deciding which type of relationship is "best."

It's about helping people understand themselves, their needs, their values and the relationships they want to create. For some people, that will be monogamy, for others, it may not.

The role of therapy is not to steer someone towards a particular relationship model but to provide a space where they can explore what feels authentic, healthy and sustainable for them.

A Closing Reflection

What stayed with me after that conversation with my friends wasn't anyone's opinion.

It was the reminder that relationships are deeply personal.

Most of us are trying to answer the same questions in different ways:

• How do I love and be loved?

• How do I stay true to myself whilst remaining connected to others?

• What does commitment mean to me?

• What helps me feel secure, valued and understood?

Those questions don't belong to one type of relationship they belong to all of us.

As I listened around the table, I was struck by how each person brought their own experiences, values, hopes and fears into the conversation. What felt right for one person felt completely wrong for another. What felt freeing to one felt unsettling to someone else, and perhaps that's the point.

Whether we're single, married, dating, monogamous, exploring consensual non-monogamy, recovering from a relationship ending, or simply questioning what we want from future relationships, there is often value in becoming curious about ourselves.

Not just about who we choose, but about how we relate.

What patterns do we repeat?

What do we long for?

What feels important to us?

What have our relationships taught us about who we are?

Therapy offers a space to explore those questions without judgement, without expectation and without needing to arrive with all the answers.

Because ultimately, therapy isn't about whether your relationships have been monogamous, non-monogamous, successful, unsuccessful, long-term or short-lived.

It's about understanding the person at the centre of those experiences and sometimes, that's where the most meaningful discoveries begin. 🤍